well, we have cold weather here. the only source of warmth is the bath water; everything else is but cold. like what i’ve predicted, the day runs short just as how you would have minimal hours of daylight at this time of the year in some places. i reckon it’s a tad too short for those stirred up thoughts inside of me. so you see it gets a little messy sometimes. now that christmas eve draws near to a closure, tomorrow is even closer than what i expected. the gifts lie unwrapped, untouched, and the cards still carry no traces of ink – be it black, blue or coloured ones – save the printed greetings on the front as well as the interior. i wonder how much allowance Time has to make for me on this chilly night, though noisy because of the barbeque party they are having downstairs.
the moon is bright for tonight, and probably tomorrow night too. it’s such a pity i’m unable to view the spectacular array of stars in the nightsky for now, and also in a long time to come. many days ago i had the chance to stargaze under the malaysian sky. those stars that i saw were practically countless and that made me feel better. the more i looked for the stars, the harder it gets to see them sometimes. but when i lost focus and shifted my vision elsewhere, they appear. i guess it’s just similar to some things in life. a chance to go stargazing is good enough. to such a distraught person, once is more than adequete to be etched onto my memory and last for a long time.
christmas is nigh. there are some words that should go unsaid, pain that should go untouched, tears that should remain warm, feelings that should have remained unexpressed, things that should have already been let go of… but just for tonight, i would like to wrap all of them up in a box, fasten a big bow around it and then address it to someone from far far away.
it’s just that, i can’t seem to find the box.
it’s the time of the year when the weather suddenly cools and there is just wind blowing and blowing every moment. i like the cool weather though it doesn’t rain as often as i would like it to. my three boy cousins are staying over at my house and they get pretty noisy sometimes. perhaps after being by myself for all these years, i am never able to live with someone else for long. i have kind of subjected myself to a world where no one else can enter nor can i leave. just like a world surrounded by glass; i can see you and you can see me, but the glass exterminates all form of verbal communication so that nothing can be heard. to be honest, i don’t understand myself anymore now as i grow further apart from some things while being drawn towards another. it seems to be of my own will and yet it’s happening subconsciously till maybe someday i will finally reach the end – the extreme. i remember having this quote when there was this sense of obsession upon me: Obsession is like walking towards the edge of a cliff when you know you’ll reach the end one day. i have long realised that obsession is a scary thing. somehow it is, as something alongside of maybe depression?
my windows are opened, to receive the mild breeze from the exterior of this enclosed world of mine. i haven’t opened my windows for a long time; my door is always closed; curtains drawn.. the wind brings in flashes of time that’s almost been lost to me. the familiar and yet distant touch to it; my room has never felt like this in a long time. two years? it has never been the same since an april day, when the sun was in the sky and then he was gone. it was never like this before. is it nearing two years?
once again, it’s the time of the year when you can really feel Christmas approaching, quick as a comet, and then it’ll be over as soon as we realise it. my room. that misty feeling of the past is so vague and intangible. the moments. it’s almost possible that Time had once encompassed all of my thoughts, hopes, dreams, disappointments and sorrows in a simpler way. but Time has slipped away, unnoticed, along with all those. nothing remains the same, afterall. Christmas had always been his favourite season, but from then on, he’d gone away from us. just at that moment, i wish Time had stopped upon us.
these days, sorrow returns.
“ 29 November 2004
“ 2B 4B 8B
*- From a picture taken in 1998 for Leslie’s album, Printemps. Took about 2.5 hours to complete. Although Leslie has a ‘killer profile’, his profile really kills. It was so difficult to get it right at all Lol.
“ August – October 2004 (11 days)
“ Acrylic, watercolour
*- From the I magazine issued in april 2003. The paper I used was drawing block because I didn’t have watercolour paper at that point of time and it couldn’t hold water very well so the paper was almost tearing at some parts. It took me over a period of two months to do this painting but I really like it so much that I’d framed it up. Now it’s in my room though I haven’t got a place to put it up. 送给我最爱的哥哥。
I wonder why it was raining so heavily just now. Thunderstorms scare me.
Kingshaw was hot. He wanted the storm to break, he wanted rain and coolness. There was something unpleasant about this waiting, he felt everything around him to be holding back some kind of violence. But he was not afraid at all. He felt nothing. His brain was very clear and he could think everything out, he knew what they had better do.
* * *
Hooper hesitated, and then came in beside him, crawling on his hands and knees. He went right back into the farthest corner, where it was dark, and curled up tightly, his hands held up towards his face. When the thunder boomed through the wood again, he stuffed his fingers in his ears, and ducked down.
“It’s O.K.” Kingshaw said, “It’s only a din.”
(excerpt from I’m the King of the Castle)
