Before I had a moment to spare to stop and savour the sweet December air, the year was over.
2011 was grey, forgettable, save the few spectacular moments. I worked hard on occasion; too hard, a couple of times. But mostly, I accomplished nothing of note, stopped believing in some things, gave up on more.
I was hoping at least I had drawing to hold on to, but seeing as I could go without it for two months at a time, it simply means it didn’t matter that much, too. Then it became an issue of whether there was any purpose behind it – and why I couldn’t find the balance between that and design. If I’m not passionate enough to produce good work, if I can’t, then I won’t draw. That should be fair enough. Despite the fact that drawing used to be a form of therapy, even comfort, at times when things got a little crazy.
To a greater extent as time went by, some people would realise I was withholding a lot more writing from this blog. That’s probably because I have found a place to run to whenever need be. A place without restriction or audience, where I get to see my thoughts spelt out in words, plain as day.
It’s for the conversations I have with myself, the most sombre notions, rants with generous injections of a certain f word, senseless remarks, biased criticisms, decision making, depressing episodes, self-reminders.. more truth than I would ever reveal or admit to altogether. I call that freedom. In a warped sense of course. Yet the real sort of freedom is far from this.
I’d spent the latter half of 2011 questioning if what I was doing was what I wanted. Whether it made me happy. My answer is that some people don’t just find what they want to do with their lives so easily. People hang on for more reasons than you could imagine. Tiring of it too soon is unbecoming, and being delusional for thinking you’d make the cut anywhere else.
But with the benefit of the doubt, and since you can’t afford to second guess every decision you make, the best bet is to go ahead anyway.
Just because it’s a new year doesn’t mean things are going to change; it’s nothing more than an indicator of time. Maybe I’ll find it, what I want. Maybe never.
-
What have I been doing all this while?
9 Comments
Yong Sheng
January 1st, 2012 at 2:11 am“Just because it’s a new year doesn’t mean things are going to change; it’s nothing more than an indicator of time. Maybe I’ll find it, what I want. Maybe never. ” So true. Esther, you’re a great inspiration… Ever so refreshing to visit your website, thoughts of great depth in little words, never more blessed to have such a cousin like you. Happy new year! =D
est
January 1st, 2012 at 5:36 amHappy new year Josh :) I returned home to see your comment and guess who is more blessed to have you remember me on new year’s day and drop by this stagnant place? I said that simply because I realise it’s true, and you probably understood it long ago anyway. Believe me when I say you’re the one who truly inspires people :) Hope the new year has great things in store for you and your family!
silverfa
January 14th, 2012 at 11:44 am“If I’m not passionate enough to produce good work, if I can’t, then I won’t draw. That should be fair enough. Despite the fact that drawing used to be a form of therapy, even comfort, at times when things got a little crazy.”
Sometimes, drawing to produce good work can be really tiring instead of being a form therapy. Sometimes you cannot force yourself to draw.
You need to wait for a strong urge of inspiration to move you, don’t you think so? Maybe you’re having a block at the moment, or your fingers are on a strike, or your drawing passion wants to hibernate for a moment. Let them be, as long as they want to be.
In the meantime, find something else to do, that you feel like doing, est.
Sometimes, people are just tired, juiced out, or even maybe lazy :) You have to move away a little, get some breathing space back, find something new to do.
People keep changing, sometimes they NEED to keep changing. Sometimes they just want a little change once in a while.
And you, for all these time of hard work, you need a damn good long rest. You’ve been pushing yourself too freaking hard, you know? It’s time you took a break.
BE LAZY.
(that’s my humble opinion though :p)
sakuratikah
January 14th, 2012 at 12:51 pm^ What she said.
est
January 15th, 2012 at 4:36 amYou know, I can’t thank both of you enough for your concern. For always being there <3.
I was actually referring to work as design work and my thinking is that if I can't produce what is expected of me then why should I have time to pursue my interest, that is drawing? So I reasoned that those extra time should be spent on the former.
It's like a hill that has to be overcome before arriving at all other things. Then maybe drawing and Arashi can come back <3
"Sometimes they just want a little change once in a while." You can't be more right :) We should all pick up a new hobby.
And it’s not true – I’m more lazy than you think haha. You guys must have had a tough year too, with you teaching and Atikah with her studies.
sakuratikah
January 15th, 2012 at 11:06 amSorry for meddling into your life though :(
silverfa
January 15th, 2012 at 5:34 pm*coughtrywritingcough*
Every year is tough. Time is limited, things to be taught a lot, competitions to take part in and expected to win :/ Every day before I enter a classroom, I’m exhausted. After I enter a classroom, I’m exhausted, and continue to do other exhausting brain-drying work.
But when I’m in the classroom, interacting with the children are a blessing. I feel like I’m absorbing their energy, ya know? I’m sure all teachers feel that way (not like we’d ever admit it to them XD)
And no, you’re at least not as lazy as me XD And I’m telling you design work is what is draining you. Its because it has become a job that you feel dried. Design & creativity is not something that can be forced, I realise. You need to get away from THAT for a little while.
(I’m a bad influence, yes I am)
est
January 22nd, 2012 at 3:38 am@sakuratikah: I don’t understand – why “meddling”? You guys are just too nice.
@silverfa: I never knew you like interacting with kids that much lol. That’s a nice revelation, that you find your job fulfilling despite it being draining most of the time.
Anyway, work’s been good so far and I’m gonna find the reason to design again. Thanks anyways :)
silverfa
January 23rd, 2012 at 11:35 pmEst: When you have an audience, no matter what the case is, and when they give you their attention, when they appreciate your being there, it doesn’t matter if its kids or adults, I think :)
Write a Comment