“Just don’t
think too much about it.
You either drop it and leave,
or finish it.”
So much of that – in one night.
I’ve also finally understood, through someone else’s story, the very reason for which I put off lots of things.
Perfection is a delusion.
But I’m not one who learns her lessons well.
Before I had a moment to spare to stop and savour the sweet December air, the year was over.
2011 was grey, forgettable, save the few spectacular moments. I worked hard on occasion; too hard, a couple of times. But mostly, I accomplished nothing of note, stopped believing in some things, gave up on more.
I was hoping at least I had drawing to hold on to, but seeing as I could go without it for two months at a time, it simply means it didn’t matter that much, too. Then it became an issue of whether there was any purpose behind it – and why I couldn’t find the balance between that and design. If I’m not passionate enough to produce good work, if I can’t, then I won’t draw. That should be fair enough. Despite the fact that drawing used to be a form of therapy, even comfort, at times when things got a little crazy.
To a greater extent as time went by, some people would realise I was withholding a lot more writing from this blog. That’s probably because I have found a place to run to whenever need be. A place without restriction or audience, where I get to see my thoughts spelt out in words, plain as day.
It’s for the conversations I have with myself, the most sombre notions, rants with generous injections of a certain f word, senseless remarks, biased criticisms, decision making, depressing episodes, self-reminders.. more truth than I would ever reveal or admit to altogether. I call that freedom. In a warped sense of course. Yet the real sort of freedom is far from this.
I’d spent the latter half of 2011 questioning if what I was doing was what I wanted. Whether it made me happy. My answer is that some people don’t just find what they want to do with their lives so easily. People hang on for more reasons than you could imagine. Tiring of it too soon is unbecoming, and being delusional for thinking you’d make the cut anywhere else.
But with the benefit of the doubt, and since you can’t afford to second guess every decision you make, the best bet is to go ahead anyway.
Just because it’s a new year doesn’t mean things are going to change; it’s nothing more than an indicator of time. Maybe I’ll find it, what I want. Maybe never.
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What have I been doing all this while?
