Freedom-seeker,

in retrospect, although I would hate to admit, the meaning behind the past encounters had held no more significance than a pocketful of air; were no more than a figment of the invisible creative clockwork that runs in my head. Reality check: imaginary moon.

The paper heart has been shredded but then again, it’s just paper. I would make stickers out of it if it wouldn’t stare me in the face, as though mocking at the yesteryears in which I had hoped, anticipated, yet failed to read you in the process. My dreams are gonna come true. I wish you happiness and at the same time, I do wish our paths will never have to cross again. When love and hate cancel each other out, everything equates to nothing, nullifying along with it the smiley in the text, a quote, your lingering scent, a poke in the cheek and the cardigan. That’s right.

If I say it out loud, that’s when it’ll really be over. I’ll still do; it makes me feel more human..

あなたの目はきれいです。
正直に言えば。
好
き
だ
っ
た。

すべてはただファサードだ。
その心が冷たいほど思えなくて、中のうろが深くなっていそう。
出口ない命に、刺激や悲しいや幸せが全部消えてしまった時、気付いたらずっとずっとひとりぼっちだ。
落ち込んでいて、誰にも言えわずに言葉を隠す。そして少しづつ時間が流れてあと、何も感じられなくなってきた。
多分一生も何かを本気の考えているのは伝えられないかも。
もうわからない。わからなくなっている。
時々、全てのものが目の前に果てしに過ぎ行ってほしい。
Sometimes, I would just like to sit back and watch it pass me by.

ああ疲れてた。けどそんなじゃないはず何でしょう。
生きてるってどう言うことか。

5. Painless

Wacom Works Wonders; that statement speaks for itself doesn’t it. I had a new fanart idea on Sunday – a really quirky one supposedly as compared to my boring sketches – and work is in progress. Still drawing and colouring despite a swollen/infected/throbbing/purple-turning finger on the right hand.

4. Control

Had a row with the parents (poor mom) yesterday followed by crying myself silly over some issue, feeling dead guilty over it. Resolved on the same day, but it seems like my shitty temper will never be tamed, at the rate I’m ‘growing up’. I dislike this transition into adulthood very much thank you.

3. Sole, soul

The abrupt idea of a solo trip to Japan mainly for A5x10 con dissipated quickly in light of too many concerns. Huge disappointment certainly ensued, but not without a promise, that is, a Nagoya visit in January next year. Wintertime (any chance of seeing snow?), 5×10 finale con if possible, and finally the thrill of being able to set foot in Japan for the first time.

2. Present

Rather than excel in wrapping gifts, I would rather be wrapped up in wrapping up the unsorted bits, and tying up the loose ends of what I have started but never completed. Order is so needed amidst my own mess.

1. Close(d)

November is ending soon, too soon. All that’s left is the time to hold on to the remaining days, hours and minutes slipping away like sand in a tightly clenched fist gradually emptied. You have soundlessly eluded out of sight once again, not that I have much to say about it. Freedom, if desired, is the best gift one can be given. What’s regrettable is that I never once knew how you feel felt.

and then one fine day she is going to find a reason for her existence.
..because there’s really nowhere else to run to, now.
words always fail, too many things go unsaid, actions disregarded.

life is absolute. like nothing.

(By the way, I am braces-less as of last saturday.)