My body finally breaking down is its way of telling me that I have had enough, that I need to stop obssessing over work that doesn’t mean much to anyone else. To be a chronic worrier hurts so bad from all the sleepless nights and days of attempting to quell the feeling, which exacerbated it, on the contrary. I was actually doing more just so I’d not be deemed as not having put in enough. Surely I didn’t want the latter to happen, hence I took it the hard way, realising too belatedly that putting myself through all that, was what killed.
But don’t you disappoint (wait, were there even expectations.), don’t you screw up because how often do you get a project this significant to you? Still, it’s my own damned fault for not having figured where to draw the line at, and how little or how much is sufficient. Guess only experience can back you up with wiser and more valid decisions.
I feel every ounce of energy has been drained (or expelled radically through this terrible coughing fit that’s been on for days) and I’m left hanging by a thread, not the least concerned about how the last 3 weeks came to be. They say hate the game, not the players. Finish what you started.
Truth be told, what an awfully miserable time. Can’t turn back now – just do it.
-
But was it worthwhile?
So I would never have to make a choice because I was not given one.
My thoughts are overly reckless.
Still inspired by Rene Magritte..
Freedom-seeker,
in retrospect, although I would hate to admit, the meaning behind the past encounters had held no more significance than a pocketful of air; were no more than a figment of the invisible creative clockwork that runs in my head. Reality check: imaginary moon.
The paper heart has been shredded but then again, it’s just paper. I would make stickers out of it if it wouldn’t stare me in the face, as though mocking at the yesteryears in which I had hoped, anticipated, yet failed to read you in the process. My dreams are gonna come true. I wish you happiness and at the same time, I do wish our paths will never have to cross again. When love and hate cancel each other out, everything equates to nothing, nullifying along with it the smiley in the text, a quote, your lingering scent, a poke in the cheek and the cardigan. That’s right.
If I say it out loud, that’s when it’ll really be over. I’ll still do; it makes me feel more human..
あなたの目はきれいです。
正直に言えば。
好
き
だ
っ
た。
すべてはただファサードだ。
その心が冷たいほど思えなくて、中のうろが深くなっていそう。
出口ない命に、刺激や悲しいや幸せが全部消えてしまった時、気付いたらずっとずっとひとりぼっちだ。
落ち込んでいて、誰にも言えわずに言葉を隠す。そして少しづつ時間が流れてあと、何も感じられなくなってきた。
多分一生も何かを本気の考えているのは伝えられないかも。
もうわからない。わからなくなっている。
時々、全てのものが目の前に果てしに過ぎ行ってほしい。
Sometimes, I would just like to sit back and watch it pass me by.
ああ疲れてた。けどそんなじゃないはず何でしょう。
生きてるってどう言うことか。
