But don’t you disappoint (wait, were there even expectations.), don’t you screw up because how often do you get a project this significant to you? Still, it’s my own damned fault for not having figured where to draw the line at, and how little or how much is sufficient. Guess only experience can back you up with wiser and more valid decisions.

I feel every ounce of energy has been drained (or expelled radically through this terrible coughing fit that’s been on for days) and I’m left hanging by a thread, not the least concerned about how the last 3 weeks came to be. They say hate the game, not the players. Finish what you started.

Truth be told, what an awfully miserable time. Can’t turn back now – just do it.

-

But was it worthwhile?

Still inspired by Rene Magritte..

Freedom-seeker,

in retrospect, although I would hate to admit, the meaning behind the past encounters had held no more significance than a pocketful of air; were no more than a figment of the invisible creative clockwork that runs in my head. Reality check: imaginary moon.

The paper heart has been shredded but then again, it’s just paper. I would make stickers out of it if it wouldn’t stare me in the face, as though mocking at the yesteryears in which I had hoped, anticipated, yet failed to read you in the process. My dreams are gonna come true. I wish you happiness and at the same time, I do wish our paths will never have to cross again. When love and hate cancel each other out, everything equates to nothing, nullifying along with it the smiley in the text, a quote, your lingering scent, a poke in the cheek and the cardigan. That’s right.

If I say it out loud, that’s when it’ll really be over. I’ll still do; it makes me feel more human..

あなたの目はきれいです。
正直に言えば。
好
き
だ
っ
た。

ああ疲れてた。けどそんなじゃないはず何でしょう。
生きてるってどう言うことか。

Wacom Works Wonders; that statement speaks for itself doesn’t it. I had a new fanart idea on Sunday – a really quirky one supposedly as compared to my boring sketches – and work is in progress. Still drawing and colouring despite a swollen/infected/throbbing/purple-turning finger on the right hand.

4. Control

Had a row with the parents (poor mom) yesterday followed by crying myself silly over some issue, feeling dead guilty over it. Resolved on the same day, but it seems like my shitty temper will never be tamed, at the rate I’m ‘growing up’. I dislike this transition into adulthood very much thank you.

3. Sole, soul

The abrupt idea of a solo trip to Japan mainly for A5x10 con dissipated quickly in light of too many concerns. Huge disappointment certainly ensued, but not without a promise, that is, a Nagoya visit in January next year. Wintertime (any chance of seeing snow?), 5×10 finale con if possible, and finally the thrill of being able to set foot in Japan for the first time.

2. Present

Rather than excel in wrapping gifts, I would rather be wrapped up in wrapping up the unsorted bits, and tying up the loose ends of what I have started but never completed. Order is so needed amidst my own mess.

1. Close(d)

November is ending soon, too soon. All that’s left is the time to hold on to the remaining days, hours and minutes slipping away like sand in a tightly clenched fist gradually emptied. You have soundlessly eluded out of sight once again, not that I have much to say about it. Freedom, if desired, is the best gift one can be given. What’s regrettable is that I never once knew how you feel felt.

life is absolute. like nothing.

(By the way, I am braces-less as of last saturday.)

It’s way over time.

I laughed a lot, because you made me. I hoped, because you gave me.
I sought, I used to, yet I have never come to an understanding.

At other times, I got frustrated, because you always slipped away.
You are like thin air, yes because you’re never really there.
I see through you, because I can’t see you.
Far from what I thought you were, you are intangible.
I am convinced, and there won’t be any more conflicting emotions.

While they find excuses to keep them,
I found many to lose my infatuation with you.
I’ll run, I’ll turn away. It comes naturally,
so don’t ask.

The last.

The times; it’s long gone.
You haunt me, the red and the white.
I no longer find your presence (or disappearance) of any significance.
Even if you’re right here beside me.

My phantom lover,
no more.

* * * * *

” There’s nothing left, perhaps.
Wanting less, is wanting more.
Some forms of emotions are hard to control.
Suppressed feelings over a long period of time may lead to an outburst.
It’s exploding, and I need to channel it elsewhere. “

* * * * *

18 x 25.5cm / 2B, 5B.
I can’t stop doing fanart, I can’t get started on schoolwork.
Nino’s pose reminds me that I have got to relax.

* * * * *

It’s exploding, and I need to channel it elsewhere.
I did try,
but I still like the way you…

* * * * *