Overstepped

My body finally breaking down is its way of telling me that I have had enough, that I need to stop obssessing over work that doesn’t mean much to anyone else. To be a chronic worrier hurts so bad from all the sleepless nights and days of attempting to quell the feeling, which exacerbated it, on the contrary. I was actually doing more just so I’d not be deemed as not having put in enough. Surely I didn’t want the latter to happen, hence I took it the hard way, realising too belatedly that putting myself through all that, was what killed.

But don’t you disappoint (wait, were there even expectations.), don’t you screw up because how often do you get a project this significant to you? Still, it’s my own damned fault for not having figured where to draw the line at, and how little or how much is sufficient. Guess only experience can back you up with wiser and more valid decisions.

I feel every ounce of energy has been drained (or expelled radically through this terrible coughing fit that’s been on for days) and I’m left hanging by a thread, not the least concerned about how the last 3 weeks came to be. They say hate the game, not the players. Finish what you started.

Truth be told, what an awfully miserable time. Can’t turn back now – just do it.

-

But was it worthwhile?



. . . . .


Honestly speaking

So freaking tired I don’t care if I don’t wake up tomorrow. This pretty much sums up the entire week, and maybe my life.



. . . . .


Break, in both senses of the word

Today it feels like someone put a hairdryer to my head, forgot and left it there, returning only afterwards with a bucket of ice to carelessly chill it. Equally tired lately, frustrated at the way things are going but I can’t really do anything about it and this very fact keeps me questioning myself about a million things, dreaming up alternatives only to be crushed by the weight of reality.

My head is spinning, still spinning.



. . . . .


泣けるほど苦しい。
何で私たちはそんなになってしまったの。
私は友達として弱くて、自己中心ばっかりで、大切なことを面倒くさく見ている程度に本当は最低だ。
多分私のせいだったのに、申し上げないって言葉は難しすぎる。
皆の傷はどうやって直せばいいの。
誰か正しい道を見せてくれないか。

I just want to let go.



. . . . .


Listen

I’ll speak my mind, I’ll say very mean things but I won’t. Because this is so not worth it.

Yet I did.



. . . . .



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